[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
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*serious situation*
My brain:
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.