me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
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The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing