I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
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9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
Who chose this font
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
“Oh hi, you’re home early”