Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
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Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.