Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
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If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.