Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
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my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
The sacred texts.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith