I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
You Might Also Like
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.