Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
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What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
I only eat vegetarians.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan