My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
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I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
starting a garage orchestra
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”