It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
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-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature