[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
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I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*