[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
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Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax