The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
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“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.