Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
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Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
also my go-to takeaway order
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
Time heals everything 🙂
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.