Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
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Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly