If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
You Might Also Like
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
Me if I was a dog
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.