What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
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My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
is this store having a stroke wtf
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
*weighs self after shaving
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no