[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
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7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
yes… yes…
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.