She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
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My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Many hands make light work
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.