It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
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Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what