The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
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What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
I have so many questions.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
yeah no that’s fair
What in the hipster hell is going on here
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?