I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
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While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
Holy crap this is wonderful
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”