If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
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Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.