I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
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baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?