Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
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If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning