I only look at Wordle for the articles
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Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
✌️
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
You saw nothing. I am ham.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*