Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
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[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.