It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
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I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
CUTE CAT‼︎
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare