VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
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Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it