Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
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Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.