This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
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Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off