On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
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I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
My wife gives the best headache.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.