Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
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I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
The funk soul brother
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
WWE is French for “yes”
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec