She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
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turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
I have never related to anyone more.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer