A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
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The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.