Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
You Might Also Like
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
A Short Story.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands