I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
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*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition