“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
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I was very concerned with my Grandma today
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that鈥檚 an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
The opposite of Iceland is water water
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I鈥檓 wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME鈥橲 TOM AND I鈥橪L BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
Doctor: for the last time, you don鈥檛 have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
#parenting
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 馃槹
My baby:
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they鈥檙e like this is elfie, my elf
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman