goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
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My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill