[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
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After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
LMAO.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours