[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
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The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
Ironic
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer