i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
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I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.