last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
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Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
see you in hell you stupid fruit
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.