>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
You Might Also Like
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long