The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
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Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.