FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
You Might Also Like
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
mood
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains