Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
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“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
blocked.
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …