Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
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8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…