Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
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*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
yeah not falling for this one
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
Tammy is short for Tamuel
I support this random dude and all his protests
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.