I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
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11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
San Francisco has too many rules
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
one last job
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR